We woke up around 9am. I took a shower, then proceeded to give Dawson a bath and bottle before his doctors appointment. We got to the doctors and they gave him 4 immunizations. 3 shots, 1 oral. We weighed him and he was at 15 lbs and 24 and some inches tall. 97 percentile. Healthy and happy. He got his shots and cried the saddest tears I’ve ever seen, his eyes actually turned bright yellow-green like mine do and just looked at me in so much pain, and it broke my heart. I held him close to me till he stopped and held his finger and just kept repeating “it’s alright, hunny. It’s okay. It’s all over now. I’m sorry, bubbba”. I lied to him. It wasn’t alright. Nothing was going to be alright. I was so happy about his appointment and how he was growing, that I decided to take Dawon with Ben’s whole family to the hot springs. I put him in his adorable bathing suit and put sunscreen on him, packed some water in a separate bottle for him, and off we went.
I was so worried walking into the baby swim pool as to how he would react.. idk why because he was so stinking happy swimming around. We went to dinner at his mom’s house a couple hours later, and he was his normal well behaved happy self. I noticed then that his appetite was off. He didn’t want his bottle before we went swimming, and didn’t want it after. I thought maybe this one he didn’t want because it wasnt as warm as I usually make it. He fell asleep on and off there. We got home and I gave him a nice hot bottle, which he didn’t want, and fell asleep while I was rocking him. I laid him down in the living room, went and changed my PJs and hung out in the living room till almost midnight. Brought him in the room to sleep because I was getting ready to go to bed since him and I were supposed to drive back to New York this morning. I woke up around 5:15, to my perfect little boy, cold, and not breathing. The time went by so slow waiting for the autopsy.
I kept saying to everyone… ” Did I put too much sunscreen on him?” “Did he have water from the pool lodged somewhere from the pool?” .. I didn’t put a blanket on him last night because he was in thermals, so I knew he didn’t suffocate.. “But I still asked outloud if it could be that. I said, “it had to be those f******g shots!! 18 hours later, he’s dead!”
The autopsy came in, and they said they gave him an internal, external autopsy, a toxicology report (which hasn’t come back yet) and did blood work. And all they could tell me is absolutely nothing. They just kept saying how healthy he was and big, and beautiful. And that they can tell if a parent is good by looking by the shape of their head. She said she could tell he wasn’t set down often and was held often (which was true).
They said there was no explanation for it. And I’m sorry, but I call bullshit. They said he passed away from SIDs. And not from his immunizations, and I’m sorry, but I just don’t believe that. They say it’s a myth… And hey I mean, I got my shots, you got your shots.. we are both still here.. but hes not and it is just too coincidental for me. I don’t understand how a big and healthy baby can just pass away with no explanation. We can find the cause of deaths for elderly, adults, and children, but not infants?
I never wanted kids. I liked partying and being selfish, and when I became pregnant, I wasn’t happy. It took me five months for it to really hit me. As I got bigger, and as I prepared his nursery, I fell in love with what I thought it would feel like to be a mom, which was nothing till I pushed him out, and pulled him up to my chest (yes, I!, Not the doctors.. I pulled him out lol) I heard his first cry.. and that was when I really became a mom. He grabbed the strap to my tank top and wouldn’t let go when the doctors tried to take him to clean him up and weigh him. I was psycho over him. Didn’t go to work.. didn’t want him to go with anyone unless I was there. Every bottle, every diaper, every nap has been the most enjoyable. I haven’t been good at anything in life, but I was honestly, a great mommy. I found love in me that I never knew existed. I melted Everytime I looked in his eyes, and I’d always hold him close because I loved the warmth. I needed that little boy, and he needed me.
He had no reason to be taken from me, and no one had any reason to make him so perfect just to go away. I have no idea what to do with my life now. I have nothing. He was everything. I don’t want to be here without him. I don’t want to do this. But life never stops, to let you take a breath. My little boy is gone, and idk who I am or how to deal with something no one can explain to me. Please forgive me, friends and family, if I fall off the grid… I’m not ready for reality. Why anyone? But why ME? Why HIM? I feel dead.. but just not able to die. He completed me. Was my missing piece. I found all my strength through becoming a mommy. I love being mommy. I love it. I wish I could trade my life for his. I did everything perfect. We we’re supposed to flip houses together and he was supposed to wrestle, race, and play football. Idon’t understand. I want my little boy back. I want my backseat buddy back.
If you want to help, you can donate to a Go Fund Me set up for Alex: https://www.gofundme.com/fund-for-baby-dawson-and-alex
And you can spread the message that VACCINES ARE NOT SAFE.